Last year, a boyfriend (now ex) left me stranded on a stranger’s floor in Germany. A woman friend ( now ex) falsely accused me of deliberately dating her quasi-boyfriend. So I quit writing. Frankly, I just felt too damn stupid. So I sank into loneliness for awhile.
When writing an essay, you’re trying to impart a sense of curiosity and openness. You’re seeking that moment of transformation when the reader sees the writer’s hard-won wisdom. This does not include telling people that after five years of widowdom, my best advice is to hunker down with Breaking Bad, DoorDash, and an unrelenting commitment to misanthropy.
“People suck” is not a good life philosophy.
Resilience for Dummies
In reality, I started hiking 30 to 40 miles a week with a meet-up group of good people, fighting the loneliness. I put up new photos on OK Cupid to prove I wasn’t visibly damaged. (It’s something far more insidious). Then I went back online and told my dates about my desertion because I was too sad to have any filters.
I’d tell them my story of abandonment and ask, “What do you think is wrong with me?”
“He’s just a jerk,” they’d answer. “No one just leaves their travel partner abroad.” And upon hearing their answers, I’d sigh with the closest thing I could feel to pleasure.
At the end of the summer, I took the trip to Eastern Europe I was supposed to have taken with my ex. Only this time I went with a tour group. I crossed the Charles Bridge in Prague alone at sunrise, toured the Vienna opera house, and saw way too many castles. The few girlfriends I had left after the false dating accusation told me I was a fighter.
But I was just restless.
In the Fall, I started an MFA program. If I felt lonely, I’d go sit in the graduate student lounge with the other millennials, laughing with them at Game of Thrones memes. I learned to love fragmented poetry and apocalyptic young adult fiction.
And I worried I would die alone.
Let’s Get Cynical
So that’s why I haven’t been writing. That and because the MFA program was really time-consuming. But mainly, because I didn’t want to admit I’d made yet another bad dating decision.
After this and this I thought I’d shared enough “life is twisted” after widowhood. Now, I had to admit to a whole new failed relationship. Which of course I’d shared online when things were good. Before I went off Facebook and Instagram because I didn’t want to see any more photos of people doing what I wasn’t.
Just landscapes, many landscapes, while hiking over steep ridges and contemplating the human condition.
But I will not succumb to shame. I did not deliberately date a friend’s boyfriend, ex or otherwise. (It was tempting to resurrect my California bar license and sue for defamation, but no).
My break up scenario was all kinds of embarrassing on my part. But it’s wrong to abandon a travel partner by springing it on them without any warning. Especially after you insisted on staying with someone your partner doesn’t know so she didn’t even have a hotel room after being dumped.
And yet, all this was nothing compared to losing my George.
What I Did to Recover: Just Keep Opening the Door
- I did not go to events where I knew my ex was going to be. Even though I wanted to go stare at him just to unnerve him. And show him a photo of my leg injury from our trip that made getting back home alone that much harder. But I just would’ve looked pathetic.
- I gave up on friends who I’d reached out to twice, but hadn’t reached back. I’d been so lonely I’d clung to past friends who’d been too busy to get together after repeated offers. So I stopped. And felt much lighter now that I’d stopped trying to resurrect relationships that had expired.
- I got off social media. That way I wouldn’t have to see what the instigators of my newfound bitterness were doing. No judgment (ok, much, much judgment), but no more FOMO.
- I found new people to fill my time. Even if it did involve a maniacal hiking schedule. But if I was outside, talking to new people, I couldn’t be that fucked up. At least in theory. I also took a few writing classes in the City. All of this saved hours of self-loathing.
- Within a few days of getting home after the great debacle I scheduled my trip with the tour group. At my lowest, I wanted to know I had something on the horizon. I spent my birthday last year in Vienna at a dinner with some lovely folk from the tour group. It restored a thread of my faith in people.
- I did not give up on love. Even if it was after binge watching four seasons of Breaking Bad. I met several more schmucks, and some nice men who weren’t for me, but then I met my second unicorn. I’ve been in my current relationship with my new person for a little over a year now. We’ve been through his job changes, his super long commute (now a thing of the past) and my stress from starting school and teaching a writing class. He has many of the qualities I loved in my George. So yes, you can find a needle in a haystack if you’re willing to endure a lot of pricks.
I’ve had several friends who are in need of a dating coach. Tune in next week when I crack the code of middle-aged dating.
Well Debbie you’ve certainly had a colorful widow journey. I thought mine was rough but you outdid me. I’m glad you’re on your feet again. I’m only writing to let you know I used to blog about widowhood and did a lot of reading along the way – studying how others were getting through it. And something you wrote about got me to my new beloved man… my bestie for the restie. If you had not written it I wouldn’t have read it and I would t be with Dave today. It was Meet Ups! We were both members – he’s a widower also. We met hiking to the top of a beautiful gothic high rise building called the Cathedral of Learning on a cold dark January night at the university of Pittsburgh. I hope this makes you feel some reward for all of your writing work.
Thank you Suzanne. That does make me feel rewarded, indeed. And what a beautiful story of meeting your person!
This road isn’t easy and I admire your resilience. Thank you for your transparency, and please please never shame yourself! This stuff happens to the best of us. Keep writing!!
Thank you so much for the encouragement, Nancy!
Debbie —
Just this weekend you came to mind. I wondered why I had not read a post of yours in months.
I have been writing extensively. Some of my articles and essay were published. Yet, I was feeling as though I wasn’t making the desired headway with dating. Let me restate that, I wasn’t being acknowledged on various “meeting sites.” (They aren’t dating sites until you start dating, right?)
I feel empathize. Deeply and woefully. And wish all of my experiences would point to a method for finding the right person that I could share with you and others.
Hi Michael,
Great to hear from you. Feel free to send me your articles. And I’m afraid the only solution I found to the dating game was persistence. Which has ultimately worked, but I think it included some powers of manifestation and luck! Take care.
I’m glad you’re back! I’ve missed your posts. You are witty and insightful but the part I like the most is you are so down to earth. Keep at it, Debbie!
Thank you so much Colleen. Love and gratitude.
I’ve followed you from the beginning, my wife died 6 yrs ago and I have come to the conclusion that dating or even love is like an addiction. You ask, what do you mean?. An addict is always chasing the first drink or high and everything after that never feels the same so they keep trying. So, the answer is to change the behavior or mindset. We build shadow relationships that may or may not have been with the people we loved that have passed and we try to fill the emotion bottle that may or may not have ever existed because the pain we are going through. So, where does that leave us, alone, chasing shadows of the past, and doubting who we are. I’m not saying to forget the ones we loved, but, stop using our emotional barometer from the past to determine our future. Once my wife died, I had 2 choices, first, to live life in the past or second, try to move forward and try to shed the memories of the past to determine my future. I don’t know the answer but I do know death effects everyone differently and there is a point in your life you need to take your life back.
Well said, Bob. And thank you for following me for so long. You have wise words. I have sometimes wondered about the shadow life. I heard about shadow lives when I read about people trying to recreate relationships with new people after loved ones were taken by unstable governments.
Being loved is something we get used to. I agree with taking our lives back, and then we get into the nuances of what that means. You have made me think.
Hi Debbie,
I have missed your posts and hoped they had stopped because you were busy with writing other things, with travelling and with love. I am glad to hear that the first two are still good parts of your life and your current BF is not another shmuck!
Your continued honesty and generosity is a gift to your readers and I thank you for that.
Keep writing – I am sure expressing and connecting is helpful and healing for the creator and for their audience. My painting is coming on and just this week ideas that have been percolating for a while have consolidated into a vision of a series I am excited to start soon. (About the more difficult aspects of being human. Over the last six months or so I did some rough portraits that will now feed into the work.)
Never berate yourself for making mistakes, the only way to avoid them is by making the biggest mistake of all, of giving up on life.
x
Great to hear from you Jacqueline! I’m so glad your art is flourishing. I’d been wondering about your travels and artistic endeavors. I’d gotten sort of hung up with writing since the MFA program makes you question what you’re used to doing. Wise words on not giving up on life. Going back to school helped me with that. So did teaching. So happy you’re doing well. 😘
I too have been wondering how you were doing and hoping it meant you were having an amazing life. Seems like that is case, although not in the anticipated way. During the time after my Diane died your columns were a welcome blessing. I could laugh, cry and have some hope that the darkness would part. In the 3 years since then I’ve been to 5 continents to immerse her ashes at agreed upon places and have 2 more to go. I’ve been fortunate to add a few more places, like Ururu Peak, Kilimanjaro. Even better, along the way I’ve met some amazing people who shared in my adventure and emotions.
And I’ve met someone who brings happiness back into my life. She’s widowed so we understand that part of ourselves too. I retired earlier this year and she works, so that combined with a long commute between us are minor hurdles we are clearing.
Glad to hear you are in a good place. And nice to read you again.
So good to hear from you, Gary. And your journey sounds fantastic…to see so many places.You may need to write a book and start your own blog. Your journey is inspiring.
I too have, I believe, met someone who has brought me back to happiness. I was pleased to be doing the MFA program and grateful to teach a few classes, but it wasn’t love, Your kind words truly made my day. Take care.